I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
