I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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