I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
