Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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