You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
