"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You have to summon your inner elephant
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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