I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
