Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
