the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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