Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
