We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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