When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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