closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
