Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
