I'm so fucking centered right now
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
