He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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