bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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