she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
