I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
