on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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