Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
