I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
