I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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