she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
