We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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