Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
