come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
