He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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