There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
