Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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