You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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