My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
