she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
my shit smells like andre
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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