Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
