i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
birth control should be required to get into college
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
