wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
