...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
So squirting runs in the family.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
