Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
