This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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