I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
