I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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