the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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