I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
