I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
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I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
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If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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