I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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