I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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