Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
