she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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