you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
