today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
