I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
