You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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