I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize