I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
